Today, Saturday, running a few errands around the county (strawberries up on Manchester/805, tequila from Trader Joe’s, a quick Costco run (try the goat-cheese-and-fig spread!)), I had the chance to listen to a little up-tighty, whitey, righty radio, courtesy of KFI in Los Angeles. Normally, I’d be checking out the Final 4 basketball games, but had decided to DVR them for later viewing. So I was able to get up-to-speed on the latest Right Wing Talking Points!

1) (as heard on the “Charles Payne Show”(?)): There will be a shortage of doctors under Obama-care! With all the “freeloaders” pouring into the system, who will treat them??!!

WTF, is this ass-face talking about?  Been to a hospital waiting room, lately? I have. I live with a 93-year-old-woman (no, not my wife!). It takes 3 hours to get an aspirin. Where did this one come from?

2) (as heard on the same show): recently hired new gun-toting IRS inspectors will have “unlimited power”, all to squeeze money out of Joe Citizen to fund health care reform. Funny, I heard this at the gym the other day from some paunchy fossil, so I assume this one has made the rounds, and, sure enough, a quick google search revealed scores of media-right references. But a brief check revealed this as just more bullshit from the same lying c**ks****ers who brought you death panels.

3) The aptly named Payne was replaced by “The Tim Conway, Jr. Show”.  Allow me to digress a moment: only 2 people in my talk show career have ever had me trapped in a radio studio, laughing so uncontrolably as to be unable to speak. One was Tim Conway (Sr.) and the other was, surprisingly, Charles Grodin. On the other hand, Tim Conway, Jr. is not funny, he’s just stupid. His R.W.T.P. was that the tea party should not be dismissed as just a bunch of racist morons. He cited at blog written by Juan Williams.

(R.W.T.P. alert: whenever possible, quote a “liberal” taking a conservative position on an issue. It makes you appear “fair”. Please keep in mind that Williams works for Fox Television, and he wasn’t all that liberal when he was on PBS.)

Conway Jr.’s first call was from a tea-bagger who dispelled the notion that his movement was “Republican”: “We are Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. All we want to do is return the Republican Party to its core conservative values.”

Really? Democrats and Independents want to return the Republican Party to its “core conservative values”? Why would a Democrat want to do that? And why would an Independent give a shit? The caller was practically screaming, his inner, imbecilic rage coming to the surface. Conway Jr. didn’t flinch. He had proven his point: the tea-baggers were mainstream America.

That was all I could handle folks. After the car , laden with its bounty of tequila, strawberries, goat cheese, top sirloin, and Fruit Loops, pulled into the driveway, I practically ran to the television, to the soft cocoon of college basketball. I stared at the remote, momentarily, wondering which button to push, the result of brain cell die-off. I share this with you now to spare you the same fate…